Social Experiment Reportings

Having cut my hair, I was prepared for the physical changes (hair completely drying in 45 minutes instead of 5 hours, no need for using and losing ponytail ties, headbands, and bobby pins, using less shampoo and conditioner, and exposing my neck) but I wasn't prepared for the psychological changes (how men and women respond differently to drastically short hair, how long hair can define "feminine beauty," and the amount (or lack of) of masculine attention.)


So I decided to do a social experiment: using the most shallow online dating medium to find out if men are more attracted to women with short or long hair.


The medium of choice of course was Tinder, because for an app that was an upgraded version of Hot or Not, where users literally swipe left if they like your pictures and swipe right if they don't. If there is mutually photographic attraction then a line of communication is open within the app and the next steps depends on the users. Men tend to view it as a hookup site (can you really blame them?) and women may view it as more.


So I scoured for pictures of my new super short do by begging co-workers and friends to take pictures of me because I refuse to do selfies, started up the Tinder account again, and let the experiment run for 3 weeks.


Based on an N of 1, as a 30 year old Asian American woman I received way way WAY more "matches" on Tinder with my long hair profile which was active in winter of 2014 for about 3 weeks. With the short hair profile for 3 weeks in early summer of 2014, I got 20-30 percent of "matches" compared with long hair profile!!!! It was astounding considering:
- The blurb about me was pretty much the same and stated that I'm based in a certain city and am not interested in smokers, drug users, and random hookups.
- My criteria for saying yes hasn't become more stringent.


Upon being matched, I do not take initiative to start communication (at least not initially) and the number of people who reached out to long hair me was at least 5 times more than those who reached out to short hair me but keep in mind I was "matched" with fewer people in the first place. When engaging in conversation to ask about hair length preference, most males acknowledge that they like longer hair on me and on women in general. Even with 3 short hair photos and 1 long hair photo the men still asked me if I have long or short hair (if I have long hair then why would my profile mainly feature me with short hair!?).


Now one may hypothesize that men who say yes and initiate conversation with women with short hair may be more discerning and truly "like" me for who I am but I received similar ratios of sexual propositions and digital booty calls.


Is this earth-shattering ground-breaking "research'? No, absolutely not but there is a difference between knowing that men prefer women (socially because of all the years of Pantene brainwashing and long hair expectations, biologically because long hair can signify reproductive years since hair thins with age and most older women have short hair) with long hair and understanding it because it can be disconcerting to have people choosing to associate (or not) with you or other presumptions based on hair! To be viewed so differently because of a cut has really taught me that appearances matter very much and sends a signal to other. On one hand I feel almost naked without my hair to bolster me as a woman but on the other hand it is totally freeing to be outside that box.


So what does my haircut say about me? That I can be unconventional and unbound by standards of "feminine beauty", perhaps "brave" for chopping it all off (as commented by several females), or I am just very lazy and want my wet hair to dry lot faster!


Disclaimer: Long hair profile may also be influenced by testing time period where people may be more Tinder happy during colder less active times of winter vs. the nicer more active times of early summer.

A Social Experiment

Pst, I'm going to do a social experiment. One where I revisit the world of online dating but with shorn hair and record the receptivity.

All in the name of science and data gathering!

You know you're old when...

Someone declares: "Tinder is for old people!"

I think to myself: wait....but I'm using Tinder...

Positivity attracts positivity

As I continue down this crazy journey call online dating, without much luck albeit currently, it's amazing to see the profile of people: how they can be so bitter, angry, negative, and not too pleasant to know digitally nevertheless in real life. If they showcase themselves as such a people then what sort of people were they hoping to attract?

Also what is this "game" that they speak of? I don't quite understand when did finding love/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/lover ever was a game. In talking to some guy friends they talk about the uncertainty of calling or texting 3 days after a date or not, which all sounds rather silly because there are no "rules" or "games." If you like someone then you contact them as soon as you want to and if the other person does not respond to you then good riddance because they didn't like you enough, so why would you want to continue to get hurt by someone who doesn't like you enough?

We want to be in and think we deserved to be love, so find it in the places that are possible instead of pining for the impossible! Positivity attracts positivity so shine on!

Online dating -- Do I judge you when:

- Your online profile has horrible pictures
- You do not use proper punctuation or capitalization on your profile/communication. Do not even get me started on grammar!
- Offer sexual proposition
- Expect a hook up on the first date
- You drop off mid-communication. Note that this can occur when the guy has even got my phone number!

- The guy who takes the prize was from eharmony (Who would think has "serious" seekers!) We proceeded to text where he would sporadically invite me to last minute events. (Hate to disappoint you guys but women don't just sit around with bated breath for your communication. We have to live life!) He then proceed to drop off and then recontacted 2 months later (My theory is that he was dating someone else and it didn't work out so instead of starting fresh he just backtracked.) Upon refreshing my memory of who he is, when I pointed out his sporadic communication he became quite nasty over text... then I can see why it may not have worked out with the other person.

- We finally meet and you don't even buy me coffee. Note that when you offer dinner or drinks previously, I decline but opted for coffee, tea, or gelato because I don't want to waste your money because it can be quite expensive meeting so many women via online dating! The coffee costs about $3, surely you can spare that!

- The absolute worse time was when I was in an air cast due to a badly sprained ankle, not only did the guy did not offer to get me coffee, but when I mentioned that I am getting water he DID NOT even offer to get it. For Pete's sake I am in a freaking air cast! That's the least you can do for another injured human being that went all the way to the coffee shop to see you!

- Wear a blue hoodie with a pink clown on it. Not sure what sort of message you want to send...
- Keep interrupting me while I am speaking. I have patiently listened to your life story and made small talk, the least you can do is return the courtesy.

So the answer to all these scenarios is: Yes.

Sometimes I feel like I have 3 jobs:

+ My regular day job
+ The progressing-Asian-American-women program in an Asian American professional organization job
+ Online dating job -- developing compulsive twitching "wink" on Match.com, swiping right on Tinder, and saying "like" on Coffee Meets Bagels

Man this is exhausting! And two of my jobs don't even pay me!

First impressions -- the online dating profile picture

I get it: online dating is neither easy for the male nor female ego with the whole sifting through mountains of pictures, getting the courage to reach out with a wink/message/ice breaker/swipe right, not getting a response; or getting a response but then the person flakes out or drops off mid-communication with no signs; or *gasps* getting to actually dating but then the person may not respond or break off things without warning.

So to make the process a bit easier, you think that people would start off on the good foot. Coming from a female perspective who has been on multiple online dating platforms: men are pretty bad about their first impressions -- the profile picture. (And please do not tell me I am shallow because ALL people judge others on physical looks upon first meeting. Plus this is a two way street: both men and women do it!). In looking at 100s of profile pictures the ones that are NOT good first impressions are:

- Naked without a shirt guy -- This guy has a great body and he knows it with his six pack abs, bulging flexed arms, shaven/waxed chest, and bronzed body. He probably expects that is enough to do the trick with the ladies along because that's what he's been using his good looks since birth to do his bidding as a cute baby. He not only survived puberty in one unscarred piece but came out of it even hotter with broad shoulder, chiseled cheekbones, and other manly assets. He is most probably looking to physical stuff ASAP and probably doesn't want a relationship, however a great hookup if you are into these things. Although I would be wary of STDs...

 - Guy with a gun -- This guy has membership to NRA or wants to appear manly in order to compensate for something. I don't understand how holding firearm is supposed to appeal to the general female population unless the females are looking for Dick Cheney-esque partners, are avid hunters themselves, or think that fire power equates to man power. If someone is actually a skilled hunter who is conscientious about consuming the animal that is eaten then that's fine but if you have no idea what do with the gun except look cool, that is not cool and you can accidentally blow off someone's face or hurt Bambi's mom.

- Guy standing in the crowd of guy friends -- First of all who is the actual guy? He's embedded with all his friends perhaps he thinks that there is safety in number. I agree: if you want to look younger then hang with older people, if you want to look prettier then hang out with less good looking people, and if you want to look smarter then don some glasses and read a book. However this does not help the female distinguish who the heck he is without panning 5 photos later. Also what's up with the insecurity of not just presenting yourself as is?

- Guy with an attractive female -- If the guy already has attractive friendly females in his life then why is he on an online dating site? What type of message is he trying to send: my friend/sister/cousin/ex-girlfriend is super hot so I have really high standards? If you are a single guy then portray yourself as a single guy or at least click a few buttons via Microsoft Paint (comes free with every Microsoft Windows) and crop her out!

- Guy with baby/small child -- If the guy actually has a child then it is incredibly sweet that he includes his child in the photo because the kid is important enough in his life to show right away. However the issue is that there are a lot of younger 20 something year old holding a kid and then putting caption such as: "Not my kid but my niece/nephew/neighbor's kid" so why bother? Clearly they were asked enough times by some messaging female. Good bait if she is into kids but total false advertisement

- Guy with really unflattering angle -- Dude, taking a picture is not that hard! If you have a friend then ask them to help you out. If you do not have a friend nearby then snap a selfie which is not only free but redoable in different conditions. Because that picture of you with double chin and/or cocked eyebrow and/or bulging stomache and/or cocky smirk and/or receding hairline is not that flattering. I am not say to hide these things but a picture is worth a thousand words so make them count!

- Guy doing a really cool activity (like surfing, riding a motorcycle, or bungee jumping) but is so small you can't see anything -- I get it: you are super cool and adventurous but I can't see what you look like! So before you post the super duper cool picture can you just post a more normal picture. Because between you and the "guy standing in a crowd of guy friend" guy I am sick of flipping through 6 pictures to see what you look like.

- Guy with sunglasses/hat/novelty glasses/hand obstructing his face -- By now it's the end of the day after work, I'm slightly hangry during my train ride back because I haven't eater dinner yet, ran home just in time to stuff my face so that I don't pass out from low blood sugar, and am watching the Bachelor on tv while simultaneously paging through at least 10 profiles, please don't make me work this hard to flip to your n-th picture to see what you really look like.

So in the end what am I, or most females presumably, looking for in a profile picture:
+ Your face? What do you look like?!?!

We don't expect a super model and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but at least put a somewhat normal picture that represents you as a person. Extra points if you look attractive, kind, and not mean. Of course a great picture is not going to make up for a bad personality but put your best foot forward so that it makes it easier for us ladies to go through this process and I hope that the ladies are doing the same.

Or maybe I am just too boring and don't want a good looking male model holding a gun with tons of male friends while sky diving alongside his sexy ex-girlfriend and his kid and simultaneously taking a selfie at an unflattering angle with a helmet hiding his face.

How HIMYM gets it right sometimes

Sometimes online dating feel like a colossal free-for-all frenzy of millions of particles bumping into one another to find common orbits. I sometimes find myself worked up into a fine mathematical frenzy ala Ted from How I Met Your Mother from this excerpt (except reverse the gender roles):

Matchmaker: You give me 3 days and I will find the woman you will marry.

Ted: No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's New York, you know. Plenty of fish in the sea!
Matchmaker: Plenty of fish in the sea! [grabs a calculator form the desk and starts clicking away]
There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women. [pushes calculator screen into Ted's face]
Ted: That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?
Matchmaker: There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.

Ted: Do you take credit cards?

In this case I have already slapped down the credit card and am fending off either generic messages from geriatric men or sexual suggestions from colorful characters, feeling the need for Costco bulk purchase of hand sanitizer (and eyeball sanitizer if possible) every time I touch the computer/phone.

Yet, this is how HIMYM sometimes get to the heart of it all sometimes. 

After some frantic searching Ted finally finds the woman that the matchmaker's computer calculated for me only to realized that she is engaged already:

Ted: You're my only match! There was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians.
Woman: Ted, Ted, do you honestly believe deep down that there is no one else out there for you just because some computer says so.
Ted: I didn't used to. There was math, I got confused.
Woman: Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling. When you fall in love with someone, 8.5 equals a perfect 10.

To all those who are searching: cheers and hang in there!

The truth of online dating

A fellow friend blogger once asked: why not blog about your dating life and online dating? (or lack of really)

First of all this blog is meant for me to look upon 3, 7, 10, 15 years later, laugh, and say what a silly/profound person to be worried/thinking about these topics. Second of all if I do post about my online dating adventures (or lack of) I am sure it will make me sad/angry/disappointed later when I read them. Why? Because online dating is not easy and is quite easily one the the creepiest things I've ever done.

Sure those Match.com commercials make it look so easy: two relatively normal and even good looking people in their indistinguishable 20s meeting for their "first time." Not only do they speak and write decent English but the communication does not entail a sexual proposition and/or inappropriate pictures and/or specifications of physical endowments. When do they meet they actually have great conversations (or pretend to), laugh with nice white teeth and delightful eye crinkles (or pretend to), and have a good time (or pretend to). Simple!, easy!, anyone can do it!

eHarmony is even better! It takes all the questions and headaches out of dating by pairing you with someone who is "truly compatible" with you. What they neglect to mention is that:
- You'll have to write a mandatory bajillion word autobiography to even join. Trust me, I am just as egotistical as everyone else and love to talk about myself but at some point I was getting carpal tunnel.
- After filling all these forms they then proceed to give you 5-8 matches a date based on your criteria, which you widen to increase your chance. (But I really just want strawberry ice cream!!! Must I open myself up to mint chocolate chip (which tastes like toothpaste!)?)
- Then you wait and go through this massive multi-step program of communication: you send them 5 multiple choice question, they answer and send it back, you send 10 must have and deal breakers, they answer and send it back, you send open ended questions, they answer and send it back, you send an ACTUAL EMAIL!!! (huzzah!), they suddenly drop off and you go "What the heck!!!!??!?! I just wrote my 2nd bajillion word autobiography ever and you drop out??!?!" I thought this site is for people who are "seriously seeking!"

One would think that paid online dating mediums are better due to the increase barriers to entry (actually paying a membership fee) will lead less to the tragedy of commons (previously used to referred to overgrazing of public land by sheep since it was free to everyone in the village). Additionally you think that people who are paying actually want to meet someone to "be with"* (as defined by 'dating for longer term potential') but no! With all these flaky people dropping off I would have to assume

1- we are not in a economic depression and people have money to throw around OR
2- the online dating medium allows for the classic "so many fishes in the sea!" syndrome where men are having a mind boggling amount of women of all size, shape, and wants out there! It's like a kid at a freecandy shop: why settle for one when you can have all of them! (and then proceed to get a stomache ache or STD in this case.)

Talking about the free online dating sites (okcupid, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and the like): yes they are super sketchy because no one pays for them. However if one wants sexual propositions, go for it! Perhaps one step above craigslist killer-esque.

Yet my friends and I still persist. Why? I think because deep down we still wear rose-colored glasses and believe all this work is worth it in the end. Thank to all our witty cynicism, shared mortification, and great storytelling we have built a proverbial thick skin, a grateful attitude for all the amazing people we do have in our lives, and a newfound appreciation/confidence of who we are and what we have to offer. If this is a test to find someone to share our lives (or learning how to avoid potential creeps and serial killers) then we will be acing it because along the way we are learning to what we want, what we don't want, how we want to be treated and love, how we should treat and love others, and at the end of the day what makes us better and more joyful beings.

For all the single ladies out there using online dating:
+ I wish you all the best of luck finding that person to share your life with.
+ Always be: safe, slightly wary, confident and smart, and yourself.
+ When you find that person then take that jump!

That being said, my Black Friday gift to self was a 6 month subscription to match.com.